I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
