Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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