apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize