I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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