Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
