I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
