the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
