its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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