You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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