I wish I could teleport
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
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