You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
