Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I just forgot I was standing up.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
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