Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
