My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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