the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
