Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
