Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
