no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
