I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Randomize
