I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
