Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize