I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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