By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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