I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
