yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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