I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
