I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
