A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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