he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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