Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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