if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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