if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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