Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
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