just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
