i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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