So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
