Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
