I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
