Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
