I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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