at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
