you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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