worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
