Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So squirting runs in the family.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
