I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
