I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize