I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize