ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
