So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize