Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
