ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
