Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My vagina is officially offended.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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