i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I need to stop coming to work sober
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
