You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
