i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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