god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
