i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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