I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize