I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
